I've been learning some really hard lessons about control, mainly the fact that I really don't have any (which is probably why I love being in charge of this page so much!). I can cling to things/ideas/people/desires with a white-knuckled grasp, but my puny little fists have never really had any influence of their own. I can be passionate and prayerful and any other number of things, but none of that gives me true control.
There have been times along this journey when my lack of control has been suffocatingly terrifying to me. I have felt defeated, like a failure. What is wrong with me?! Things that should have gone a different way -- a better way, in my own opinion -- seemed to just blow up in my face, leaving strange broken pieces for me to stare at in confusion. Not just in the obvious circumstances of Osias' life and death, but in so many other instances as well.
While I've yet to get a satisfactory explanation about why things happen the way they do or why I'm still so desperate for control when it doesn't belong in my incapable hands, I am learning -- oh so slowly learning -- that God knows. And while He hasn't seen fit to spare me from circumstances that feel like they've broken my very core, He has never left my side.
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone.
"Never Once" written by Jason Ingram, Matt Redman, Tim Wanstall
Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because GOD, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; He won't leave you.
Deuteronomy 31: 6 (MSG)